What I Found on the Way to School Today

It's been a rough few weeks,  I'm just going to put that out there right now.  I'll try to spare you from having to sit in on my pity party, but if you're only here looking for lots of cute pictures of the kiddo, you may want to skip this post.  I need a place to do some venting, and this is as good a place as any.  So what's been eating me?  Well, let's suffice it to say I have never felt so overwhelmed, worked so hard, or been so unsure of myself as I have been since starting grad school four weeks ago.  (Don't worry, it sounds worse than it is.  I just need to give you a bit of perspective for the rest of this post to make any sense.)  I'm operating on a constantly changing schedule, very little sleep, paperwork that never ends, and a sudden lack of family time - something I took very much for granted up until now.  In the words of the oh-so-wise Chris Martin, "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."

Last night was particularly bad.  I had a mountain of assignments and paperwork I just couldn't get caught up on.  I'd seen a client earlier in the day for a disorder I really don't know enough about, and while it hadn't gone horribly, I don't feel it was my best session to date.  I was tired, cranky, and on edge.  It didn't take much to knock me over to the full-fledged "ugly cry."  (I was nice enough to spare the rest of the clan from the sight by leaving the dinner table early.)  I woke up early this morning feeling just as terrible as I had before I'd gone to sleep, and decided today was just going to be awful.  It's funny how the universe goes and ruins my plans, though.  Here's what happened:

I found inspiration.
 
I left the house and hit up my favorite Dunkin' Donuts.  (Yes I was a barista at an independent coffee shop.  Yes I still love DD.  Don't judge me.) Nothing is sure to ruin an already bad day worse than driving away only to find out my medium-coffee-light-and-sweet is neither light nor sweet.  But I choked it down, determined not to be the victim of a caffeine-withdrawal headache later in the day.  As I drove south on I-87 sipping my bitterness (literally), I saw a huge bird swoop across traffic several times and land in a tree along the median.  As I passed the spot, an enormous bald eagle gazed back at me from his perch. (This is most likely not true, as I was traveling at an average of 68mph and would have been nothing more than a flash of orange zipping by.  But for the purpose of this story, HE GAZED BACK AT ME.)  My self-pity was suddenly abandoned in favor of contemplating the chances of seeing a bald eagle right there along the road.  I replayed its soaring aerials in my mind and nodded in hearty agreement at our forefather's choice of national bird. A bit of patriotism swelled in me then, and I thought about how fortunate I am to live in a country where I am free to make something of myself.  How everything I am working for right now would not be possible if it weren't for this freedom.  My day wasn't about to get any easier, but at least I had a renewed sense of purpose.  Then...

I found amusement.

Traffic quickly began to congeal into a slow-moving ooze on the Northway.  My emotions still wavered precariously, but I was suddenly overcome with a fit of giggles as I slowly rolled past a car pulled off on the shoulder.  Down a grassy embankment, the driver a man in a business suit, frantically searched for the perfect spot to "take care of business."  You could see the angst written all over his face.  Behind him, cars crawled slowly past, making him their only source of entertainment on a mundane morning commute.  In front of him, on the other side of a chain-link fence, stood a tall office building.  Surely some early birds were already sitting up on the fourth floor staring vacantly down at the highway and, subsequently, the patch of tall grass where he was hoping to relieve himself.  The funniest part of it all was when he wandered back and forth three times in search of the "perfect" blade of grass to water.  I'm not sure how he chose, considering the whole section was just tall weedy grass that came up to his waist.  He made his selection as I drove past (don't worry, he managed to keep it G-rated), and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation.  Part of me thought he was crazy, but another part of me couldn't help but think, "Good for you!"  By the time the whole scene had played out, I was smiling enough to convince myself that my bitter coffee wasn't so bad.  When suddenly....

I found persepctive.

Traffic was trickling along when suddenly BAM!  We were all stopped for what I could only assume was the bridge construction that was still 4 miles away.  I contemplated my bad luck and the fact that I should really consider spending the night at a classmate's house when I have to be on campus early the next day.  Slowly, my neighbors and I crept along the pavement, inch by inch.  I wondered if I should risk hopping off at the next exit and dealing with the lights along Route 9.  But just as quickly as we slowed down, traffic suddenly picked up speed again.  The source of the congestion made itself known only a second later as I drove past a broken down station wagon, completely dead in the water in the center lane of morning rush hour traffic.  I couldn't help but think, "That guy is definitely having a worse day than me."  And you know what, despite how awful I felt when I woke up, he really was.  I sent out some positive vibes to the poor guy - after all, I had some to spare.  Lovely Carrot (yes, that is the name of my loyal Fit) is a great car, and even if she could stand a good cleaning, she never lets me down. 

I began to enjoy my drive now, especially as I meandered south of Albany to find my morning client's house.  It's been ages since I've had the chance to drive down that way.  Of course, the phone call at 8:56 a.m. telling my my 9 o'clock appointment was canceled could have brought me down again, but by now, I was feeling better.  And that's when the final piece of the puzzle struck me....

I found peace.

I turned my car around to head back to campus and seize these rare free minutes to get some more of that pesky work done.  Instead of shooting back up I-90, I took Route 9 from East Greenbush toward Albany.  I had made the drive many times back in the day, but I had completely forgotten what happens when the city skyline comes into view.  The Empire State Plaza suddenly looms in front of you, the four skyscrapers (okay five, but who really counts that odd solitary one?) stretch into infinity, every bend in the road causing them to dance past one another with a stoic grace.  The modern towers, post-modern Egg, and neo-classical Capitol Building create an oxymoron of architecture.  It is the most beautiful skyline, and my heart skipped a beat as I watched it in front of me.  This is what I think of when I talk about loving upstate NY.  This is the place that shouts "home" to me.  In an instant, the doubts I've had over the past few weeks vanished.  This is where our family belongs, and if it takes me working my butt off for two years to make it a reality, than so be it.  In the end, every sleepless night and early morning drive will be worth it if I can share this view* with Eily someday.

*Note:  I did NOT take this photo while driving.  I found it here.

Well, that's it for this entry.  Kudos to you if you made it this far.  As a reward, here's a picture of Eily hanging out in our bedroom with Smokey last week.  Jesse sent it to me on one of my long nights on campus.  It's always nice to get out of a late class and find her smiling face staring back at me.